Sunday, April 15, 2012

My Full Brain

I feel the need to vent.  Not in a bad way, but sort of in a I-need-to-unload-my-brain-before-I-go-to-bed sort of vent.  Feel free to not read on...really, I don't mind, because I can't promise you that it will be enlightening.  Or even enjoyable for that matter.

I think of this blog as a good friend.  Someone I can just tell all my feelings to and not get judged.  Someone who loves me just the way I am because I'm...well, ME.  I feel as if I have all these thoughts and ideas in my head and I just need to unload and tell you about what's going on in my life. 
First of all, I'm overwhelmed.  I feel as if I'm pulled in so many directions sometimes.  I feel as if I wear many, many hats.  And the hats that should be all stacked neatly upon on my head (and in alphabetical order) are starting to tumble to the floor.  Let me say that I no longer am a people-pleaser, so it's not like I say Yes to a ton of different tasks/people, therefore explaining the many hats.  No...these hats are just from the everyday departments of my life.  You know...the cook, the taxi driver, the housekeeper, the bookkeeper, the book reviewer, the runner, the financial manager, the small group leader, the wife, the mom, the friend, the daughter, the granddaughter, and the sister.  I am just plain overwhelmed.  And there's a lot of time lately where I just want to sit down and have a good old-fashioned cry.  I feel as if I'm doing so many things...however not doing many of them very well.  And I don't like this feeling.  Not that I want to be perfect in all areas...but I just want to feel satisfied with my accomplishments.  And that's not happening right now in the least. 

I think one of main problems is that I don't have a daily routine.  I try, but honestly, I'm terrible at consistency.  And it makes me so frustrated.  I set goals and then don't follow through.  I print out daily to-do lists to keep me on task, and only follow it for one day.  I just can't seem to find a routine that I can easily stick to. 

The Runner Hat is stressing me out because the training is getting more intense and time-consuming.  I find myself thinking, "Why did I ever decide to do another half marathon?"  When I was training for the half last year, it was exciting because it was my first half.  The excitement is gone this time around because I've already achieved my goal to run one.  Each training one is becoming a chore to me, and more difficult to fit into my already busy schedule.  Throughout this training, I haven't given up on my gym workouts either.  So some days I do a double at the gym and one running.  It's just getting intense and I'm getting tired.  Here is my workout/running schedule for this week:

Monday:  Gym 1.25 hrs & 5 mile run
Tuesday:  Rest (I live for this day!!)
Wednesday:  Gym 1 hr & 5 mile run
Thursday:  Gym 1 hr & 3 mile run
Friday:  Gym 1.25 hrs
Saturday:  9 mile run
Sunday:  Rest (thank goodness!)

And throughout this crazy workout regimen, I haven't lost any weight at all. Talk about frustrating!  So I've contemplated giving up some of the gym workouts in order to focus on the training runs more, but I'm afraid that I will gain weight.  I have only 3 more weeks of training until Race Day, so I'm going to ride it out with this hectic schedule and then lighten up my running.  I did use the money I received for my birthday to buy a Garmin watch so I can track my pace, distance, and such while running.  I'm stoked to get it and hoping it will help me run faster and longer!

My Cook Hat is stressing me out too.  I used to plan my meals ahead of time and then make my shopping list.  Now, I'm lucky to even get a menu planned at all...and it's usually after I've been to the store, which isn't great for the wallet...or your menu.  My whole meal planning routine (or lack thereof) is just very unorganized.  I also have a TON of recipes that I'd love to try, but never get to because I'm not organized enough with my planning. 

My Housekeeper Hat is stressing me out.  I feel like my life is an endless chore right now.  There is always some mess to clean up or some clothes to wash.  It just seems like it's an unattainable task right now.  Luckily we have small group at our house twice a month, so the downstairs does get cleaned prior to our group meetings.  But this is an area in which I think a cleaning routine would be helpful.  I need to do more research into setting one up.

The rest of my hats are stressing me out too.  The best way I can describe it is that I feel like I'm at a party this 10 of my best friends.  I would love to give them each ALL of my attention so that no one is neglected, however when I turn my conversation to one, the others start to increase their need for attention.  It just seems impossible to fulfill all of my roles and to do it well.  Seriously...I'm perplexed about it.  I just can't seem to get my act together...and in turn, I feel like a failure.  I'm know God doesn't want me to feel this way, yet I can't seem to figure out how on earth I can get it all done and be content.  Maybe I need to just be content with what I DO get accomplished and not focus on the unfinished/neglected areas.  I just know that I'm not enjoying life right now.  My joy is gone and I need to make a change and find my joy once again. 

Alright...I'm I think that means I've gotten enough off of my chest for right now and it's time for bed!  Bedtime has become my favorite time of the day.  Pathetic, huh? 

With that said, I would love to hear if any of you have a daily or weekly routine/schedule that works for you! 

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