I absolutely cannot believe that today is the last day of 2012! I am asking myself, Where on earth has the time gone? Wasn't it just a couple of months ago when I posted my goals for 2012? And most importantly, Did I make 2012 as great as I'd hoped it would be?
I can answer the last one easily: nope. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't terrible, or even bad. I just don't feel satisfied that I made the most of my time, you know? This year I want to do better, to be better. I want to hold on to my goals for this upcoming year and make sure I achieve them....not just dream about them every January.
This year I want to BE different. I want to be ME.
Not what other people want me to be, or think I should say or do. I want to be truly and whole-heartedly ME. The ME that God created me to be. And the best version of that ME that I can be. And once again that means losing this darned extra weight that has seemed to have plagued me for life.
And despite my strong determination, I realize I have my work cut out for me.
You see, I feel like a failure in so many ways in my life.
There are so many times that I don't meet up to my own expectations as a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, housekeeper, and employee and I feel like a complete and utter failure. And each time I come home to a cluttered messy house, or my kids talk back to me I'm reminded of the fact that I've failed.
You probably are thinking that I'm being too hard on myself, and you're probably right. The thing that concerns me the most is that I listen to those voices in my head. Those conversations with myself where I hear, "You're not good enough." or "You'll never reach that goal." or whatever it may be that day. I listen to them and the worst part is that I believe them. I have no clue who I really am...who I am in Christ. Why is it that I also hear negative voices in my head? Do I ever hear "You are a child of the most high God" ? Nope. And I'd have to admit that if I did, I'd probably laugh at it.
This is what bothers me. I want to be confident in who God has created me to be. And not apologize for His handiwork. Or feel embarrassed. Or not good enough.
It all starts with God. I need to surround myself with Him and His infinite wisdom. I need to read about his love for me and picture His loving arms around me. And I need to believe it. I am ashamed to admit that my spiritual life is zilch right now. No devotions. No Bible reading. Hardly any praying except for those "flare" prayers I send up in great times of need. And I firmly believed this happened because of those voices. I listened to them. And with each statement I heard and believed, it's like I took a step away from God. And another step. And another. And now I feel like He is so far out of reach that I can't see Him, or hear Him, or feel His presence. It's time to realign myself with my spiritual compass and head towards my True North.
Please keep me in your prayers while I am on this journey. I know it won't be an easy one, but I know it will be worth the hard work and dedication.
Tomorrow I am hoping to post some goals for 2013 and recap on my goals for 2012 and how I did at achieving them.
I hope you all have a blessed New Year!