Sunday, April 17, 2016

Keepin' It Real

I going to just come out and say it:  I am struggling with my life right now.  In so many areas of my life, I am tired, discouraged and just plain stressed.  And, although I have noticed it for awhile, I feel like it's all sort of come to a head this week for some reason.  It was an extra busy week at work with having to fill in for a coworker who was on vacation, and an extra busy week with evening activities to go to.  We had a 4-H meeting, volleyball game, a band concert, sleepovers, a birthday dinner, volleyball practice, a birthday cookout for a friend, bringing home 4-H pigs, a small group meeting, youth group, and working on the barn that will house our pigs this summer (they are currently living in short-term housing across the street in our neighbor's barn). With that being said, I'm pooped and emotionally unstable.  The house is a mess.  The groceries need bought. The laundry needs done.  And I all I feel like doing is cry.  Out of exhaustion.  Frustration.  Depression. 

I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist by any means, but I do like to be productive.  And ever since we sold our house and moved (twice) last summer, I'm on an ever-present battle to get unpacked, settled in, and organized.  And weeks like this frustrate me because I can't even take baby steps towards that goal.  There's just no time.  And I feel like a failure.  I hate the constant rush my life is in right now.  Rushing to work after trying to rush to get everyone off to work and school. Rushing home from work to get something that resembles dinner on the table at the right time and get the dishes loaded into the dishwasher before rushing on to the next thing that evening.  Rushing to bed at night because my brain can no longer function and I just need quiet and no one to expect anything from me.  And while all this rushing is going on, my mental list of things that need accomplished continues to grow.  And the rushing continues so that I just might have a few minutes of margin in my life to be able to accomplish something on that ever-growing list. 

To top it off, I am at my heaviest weight since having kids.  I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin right now.  I'm frustrated because there is absolutely no time to workout.  And if I do have time, I'm too exhausted or depressed to actually make it happen.  It took me a couple of years and logging in lots of running miles to lose the weight I gained back and the task at hand seems insurmountable right now.  I hate the way my clothes fit.  I hate the way I look in them.  I shudder at the thought of putting on shorts or a bathing suit in just a few short weeks.  The stress over the past year has resulted in 25 lbs gained, a ton more gray hair, and wrinkles where there used to be none.  My confidence is gone.

In addition to everything else, I am raising a teen and 2 would-be teens, it seems.  One is experiencing their first heart-break and it's killing me.  I don't know how to help because they won't talk to me.  One is searching desperately for someone to love them; to find acceptance.  And the other is struggling with the need to fine-tune their God-given strengths and the process is grueling. I feel so helpless with each of them and, as the years pass by, I can only pray that I've taught them the skills, and built up the character they need to be successful adults.  Only time will tell, I guess.

All of this is affecting my marriage, my parenting, the relationships closest to me.  I have come to the realization:  I've lost my mojo...my joy.  Depression is setting in and I don't like it, yet I'm not sure how to counteract it.  Life is moving at a crazy-fast pace right now and I feel like I can't even catch my breath to savor the moments.  The sermon at church last week was about not complaining.  To counteract our desire to complain my pastor said we should focus on being thank for what we DO have instead of what we don't have.  We also need to process the information in order to find a solution to the problem at hand (as opposed to complaining about it and doing nothing). I have really been trying to remember this this week.  So this blog post is me processing and trying to find a solution. I need a do-over; a fresh start.  And Mondays are a good day for that, right?  So I guess I am thankful for Mondays.